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| but there is no time left to be childish and insecure.
to my past, I will remember you for all your mistakes and lessons and memories.
to the future, you are but an insubstantial point fixed on the horizon.
I will focus here.
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| in explanation of the former post,
there is no easy way to explain the alienation inherent in anxiety:
the absurd manner in which we are first come into the world "doing" and then are forced to impose our own limited meaning; or our unstable understandings of the self and subjectivity.
In realizing a certain futility of understanding life and the limited nature of rational thought, we glance into the abyss. it seizes us in inaction and lie there. There is a fear that life and its expressions are worthless in the face of the overwhelming totality of non-existence.
in that moment, is it that we affirm the value of life and thus negate the possibility of suicide?
or are we just too weak to admit death as an escape from absurdity because we cling to the habit that is life?
I would like to talk to that kid who jumped off that parking garage not last week.
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| i awake - gradually,
i am becoming of that gross parody
that homunculus:
glassy-eyed and overtly bestial
my senses knotted at a point on my periphery
i turn my gaze upon myself for every little flaw
insecurity; fuck-up.
and turn away with a baser knowledge
of the preconscious fears we only converse with at night.
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I woke up this morning with that fear that I've been wrestling with for the past couple days.
In everyone's mind here at college there is the overarching question: What the am I doing here?
Why am I doing what I'm doing?
What does what I do mean?
How we impose meaning onto our actions is ultimately a reflection of who we are. However, determining "who I am" becomes by and large a burden that becomes unachievable within the context of thousands of understandings of the meaning of life.
This insurmountable question that comes with realizing our responsibility for our fate cannot be ignored in the face of the freedom we have been handed in college. The safeties of home and the narratives our parents set for us are now effectively gone. With this absence, there is a sense of need for self-achievement and growth - in essence, the means to life - to combat this fear of being consumed by darkness.
Darkness as pain; as death; as inaction, atrophy, as an inability to affirm life and the simple things we initially found joy in upon groping our way into existence; as the unknown.
Darkness as alienation.
The inability to recognize what was formerly knowable and intimate.
"To do" is not enough, nor is it enough to impose meaning on an action after the fact.
simply doing has caused more pain and death than inaction.
and yet life calls us to move forward and live at the risk of becoming unfeeling unthinking, unempathetic beings.
I feel thats the catch that i'm stuck with right now
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| to be sure, i hate writing filled with overused platitudes and unlived aphorisms. It's not that the feelings aren't there, but one has to work to tame the rhythm and tensions in language to convey emotion, life, and reality. I guess I'm tired of fickle feelings and easy vows that carelessly roll off the tongues of the insincere.
not to say i'm not guilty of that. Just that its hard to trust the naive, when they are ignorant of their subjectivity to their own whims.
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| i think i'm getting a hang of college, albeit its three weeks in.
for one thing, i have a real blanket now with down (important since its so cold in jester dorms) instead of this cheap cotton one. Theres freakin bun mei (viet subs) in my fridge right now. My room's in order. My laptops online(!!) I've started homework. There's routine in my life now.
I don't seem to understand it but for some reason as long as I have a little space to exert my control on I can maintain an illusion of self-efficacy. It's not much but it gets me through my more human moments.
I think its the small, constant things that keep me grounded. Grounded in terms of pride a well as perspective on life. Like my parents visiting and bringing me food and my brother taking a hotel with us in Houston. Like the fact that there are so many godly and mature upperclass guys always willing to talk. Or even the fact that Marvin's always here playing WOW.
It all reminds me of who I want to be for others.
I realized last night I had forgotten what it meant to believe in a redeeming love.
- how silly and absurd things become when you lose perspective.
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